Too Much Guilt
I don't know what my problem is, but if I can't be perfect, I feel guilt. We each have a different threshold for how much we can handle, but no matter how much is put on our plates, we try to do it all. Because if we don't, somehow we aren't living up to our wife and motherly responsibilities.
Some things that make me feel guilt:
Not making a homemade dinner every night, having a maid come and clean every other week (Matt doesn't even know about this one, but he's about to:), not being all made up when Matt gets home (he doesn't care, but I do), not having energy to do more during the day, not having graduated college (I'm working on that), more one-on-one time with the children, not feeling like I can handle everything on my plate sometimes. I struggle to understand why I can't handle everything on my plate. I should be able to, right? What's my problem?
These are just the ones that come to mind off the top of my head. There are many more that eat away at me.
The problem is, all of this is MY problem. No one else thinks I don't do enough.
Now that our children are growing and getting bigger, the stresses that came with their childhood have gone, and a completely new and different set of worries has entered into my life. Perhaps this is the biggest weight of all. It's the knowledge that Matt and I have an eternal responsibility to teach our children certain truths, and to have that somehow sink in to the point where they have an independent knowledge of that truth. Namely, that Jesus is their Savior and they have a responsibility to live in a way that would reflect Him in their lives. I can't make them accept that. They have to have the desire in them at some point. Every child learns differently and I often wonder if I'm doing enough, or doing it the way that would be most beneficial to each of them. We only get one shot with each of them. Once they are grown, the opportunity has passed and can never be redone.
We each have our free agency, including each of our children, so it's not unheard of for a child to go a direction that makes their parents disappointed, sad, angry, or maybe even feelings of guilt could creep in because we feel that their choices are a reflection on our parenting.
Being a wife and mother is the best and most wonderful experience in life. It's all I've ever wanted. It's what gives my life the most meaning. There is nothing bigger to aspire to than those two things. There are many other important things in my life, like getting an education, but for me family is fulfilling. It is eternal.
Self doubt and guilt for anything less than perfection is absurd, and I know that. It's a natural reaction for me though. So much good can come from one person, from me! Heavenly Father would tell me that I am enough and that I do enough. I know He would. But I still question things.
I am a happy person because I know who I am and I know where I come from. My eyes are open to truth because my parent's showed me and I understood and felt the reality of it all. I know for myself that I am a daughter of God, and that our children were sent to us from Him to take care of and teach.
That is a huge responsibility that Matt and I take seriously. With the help of the Spirit, all things are possible. I can know how to parent better. I can know that Heavenly Father is pleased with me. It is the other guy that puts thoughts of inadequacy in my mind.
It is easy to get down on ourselves for our perceived imperfections. We are life givers and healers. We are the heart of our families. If we don't believe in ourselves, our families suffer. That is the objective of the adversary who has his aim set on destroying the family. He has been working hard on getting me down. He knows the power we possess in this world. It is much greater than his.
It's just a matter of remembering and believing how my Father in Heaven, who knows all, feels about me.